... Huh!

This entry is subtitled, Anal Leakage.

For a flighty, artsy person, I'm surprisingly repetitive. I get into a schedule or a set of things that I do and that's that. I can get quite snappish when my routines are interrupted (which is, no doubt, going to be -very- fun for poor Adam who keeps telling me he doesn't plan things, the Army plans things for him) and any changes have to be introduced slowly and carefully if they're gonna stick. This is the only thing I can think of that might explain why it is I have failed to notice the wild dieting fads that have swept across my local grocery stores in the last, oh, 5 years or so. I was busy eating chicken fingers, damn it!

I'm not completely uneducated - my father went on the Atkins diet a couple times while I was living with him and I joined for all of about a week... When I announced that any diet that turns my intestines into a concrete mixer is -not- the diet for me and celebrated over a stack of multi-grain waffles. (I know, TMI, right? But, seriously. I know a lot of people have really good results with Atkins and I know it's supposed to get way less extreme after a couple weeks or so, and that it's not the best idea for a lactose intolerant high schooler who can't keep track of her nutrition or water consumption... But... There's got to be something wrong with a diet plan that lets you eat a solid pound of bacon for breakfast but refuses to let you eat an apple.)

But I went to the grocery store this past week and I've been trying to introduce slow, gradual, reasonable changes to my eating habits, the most extreme of which include breakfast and not getting lunch with Shane everyday. It's my current bargain with myself that I can eat as much as I want of the foods that're in the house, as long as I don't give in and go to Wendy's. And because breakfast isn't really my thing, I've been going to the store every couple days and buying a couple days' worth of something new and exciting (when I go to bed I'm actually excited about waking up so I can eat the oat clusters in my breakfast cereal. This is dorky.) I've also replaced about 70% of my diet coke drinking with this mango-peachy-green tea stuff that's not bad and I'm getting back into the habit of having small meals during the day, instead of sitting down and consuming most of my daily calories in the form of grease. ^_~ All well and good, but it's led to me doing a lot more grocery shopping.

I wandered through the fruit asile successfully and collected my apples and pineapple and grapes and peaches - why yes I -do- have an increasingly expensive fruit habit. I think I'm gonna have to quit my job soon and go work as a migrant farm hand. Then I headed up and got my soymilk (yeech!) and cereal and oatmeal and yogurts and then I wandered off down the snack asile and instead of beelining straight to one of the 5 things I like best, I wandered around and I looked. at the nutritional information. I require snackies but I wanted reasonable snackies. Very important!

And I found an entire stack of shelves full of low calorie options. Hah, thought I. Cool! And I picked up some of the things that looked best and started reading the stuff on the back. Hey cool, thought I. Low calories, reasonable portion sizes, look there's even some vitamins and minerals... And then I read the ingrediants 'cause there's a few things I'm trying not to eat (alas, dear trans fat, you were delicious). It was full of words I don't know which didn't immediately worry me until I got to the very bottom. You see, below the bottom, spaced away from all the nutritional information and hidden in the midst of some innocuous looking trademark lines... was the sentence: Warming. Consumption may cause anal leakage.

I'm going to say that again. Written on the package of chocolate chip cookies was "Consumption may cause anal leakage"! O_O I read it twice to be sure and then I put it away and read a few other packages and they all said something similar. I boggled for awhile while I considered what this meant. There was a whole range of products from multiple conpanies who're apparently making a profit off of selling food to people that makes them shit themselves. And a whole bunch of people find this preferrable to being chubby. "Well sure she's got to bring an extra pair of pants to work, but Joan sure looks fabulous since she's started the all diarrhea diet!"

I cracked bad jokes about it to myself all the way to the check-out line where I paid for all my healthy fruits, yogurts, cereals, and my cheezits. The carloric goodness might go straight to my hips but it's not nearly as bad as what the adult diapers do to the line of my jeans.